The psychological construction of the gender divide is clear and boundaried:

Female = feminine = nurturing, dependent, passive. 

Male = masculine = assertive, independent, active.

 Our fear of crossing this divide is great. Our sons are growing up paranoid of displaying tender qualities, terrified of appearing dependent. Our daughters are taught to stay away from assertive behavior and sacrifice daring for "good."  

While these stereotypes may come naturally to many, they stifle those who simply do not conform.

The fact we don’t get to choose the qualities we aspire to manifest, and are forced to comply with society's rigid dichotomy of what it means to be male or female, is a travesty.

While we women often think we have it rough in terms of being pigeon-holed into being "feminine," I believe our men have it even harder being stereotyped as "masculine."

 While women face resistance when they are assertive, imagine the plight of a man who is passive, dependent and embracing of the more feminine qualities. The recent articles in the news on the "sissy-boy experiments" speak to this plight loud and  clear.

Indeed, I do believe our society has dealt a rough hand to our men as much as to its women. Our men are pressured to be "masculine," i.e., cut off from relational qualities, forced to compete and be "manly." They are never expected to stay home with the babies, change their diapers, or play house with them. While on the surface it appears they get the easier hand, I believe that this lack of expectation actually results in a weakening of their relational capacities—a disservice indeed. 

To be cut off from the relational components of life and be expected to focus on the "doing" aspects leads to a severance from one's emotional life and  sense of inter and intra-connectedness. Our men have a tremendous burden on their shoulders when they are expected to be the breadwinners, be stoic in the face of life's tragedies, and always be the strong one who can be depended upon.

Is it any wonder, then, that many men in their forties are buckling under this pressure, reverting to adolescent tendencies of acting-out by dumping their families and running as far as possible?

It’s so easy to brand today's men as irresponsible and avoidant. However, it’s time to go deeper and ask "why?" 

Why is it that we are raising generation after generation of men who simply fall apart under commitment of family and parenthood?

Why is it that men in their forties and fifties feel they need to cheat on their wives and live double lives? Arnold, Spitzer, Edwards, Clinton, Weiner, to name a few. Why is it that these obviously intelligent men resorted to less-than-mature behavior to get their needs met? 

Perhaps this demands an entirely different blog, but I mention it here because we are so quick to judge these men and take sides, without realizing they may have been victims of society's endorsement of male narcissism and relational immaturity. 

Society inadvertently endorses narcissism in its men by lauding their over-achieving behavior, pressuring them to compete, to be louder than and better than. Is it any wonder then that men such as those listed above lose their sense of humility and groundedness? 

I believe these men are victims as much as they have perpetrated hurt in the lives of the women who loved them. They are victims of a society that endorses narcissistic ambition and pushes its men to be severed from family, connection, and relatedness.

I believe the male malaise stems from society's rigid and extreme expectations of both men and women. I include women because we women also collude in the perpetuation of the gender stereotype. 

I contend that if society moved away from the rigid duality of male and female. and instead sought to embrace the masculine and feminine in each one of us, both genders would gravitate toward their inner wholeness. 

The authentic self is one in which both the masculine and feminine are honored. Watch a male child, and you’ll notice they are able to be in their body in a very masculine way—and yet are unafraid to ask for love and seek relationships in a feminine manner. However, as they are socialized, they begin to streamline their behaviors according to society's expectations, moving away from wholeness.

So on this Father's Day, let’s remember that gender is a social construction. In honoring our fathers, let us embrace not only their masculinity but also their ability to be feminine. Let us create a safe space for our men to hold both qualities—and also release our women to embrace both qualities too.